I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
When I told him he could take naked pics of me, did I really need to specify that he could not email them to my brother's friends for bragging rights?
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Randomize
