After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
Randomize
