Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
