People in love make me want to vomit
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.
remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I mean, two foreign guys have drunkenly confessed their love for her, so she's clearly doing something right.
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Power lunch with dad, pain pills and tequila shots. Dad does Monday hard.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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