Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
That sad moment when the drawer I used to keep condoms in now has poptarts in it..
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
