I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
It's amazing how much better one feels once you put something in your vagina.
I'm having a self conscious moment and I need your complete honest opinion of my boobs.
Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Guess who woke up with a hangover this morning? The same person whose parents found out and woke her up by banging pots and pans with wooden spoons.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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