I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Just got a ride from a stranger while walking a mile home as it hailed with no coat. He asked me if I smoked, then said he just made some potent cookies and I could have one.
The cookie was what I originally wanted to tell you. Always say yes to drugs from strangers
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
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