We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?
I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
