My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
i just got banned from the m&m's website for trying to get poon slayer written on my custom order
I just remembered that you tried to trade me for a glass of wine
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
Randomize
