Yeah I guess I was Pocahontus. If she were a trifling drunk who hung out in her undies, with possible brain damage.
it was so cute when you were pretending to have willpower
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Randomize
