I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls
Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
Best walk of shame ever. Wearing a bright purple onesie, covered in smudged childrens make up, carrying my shoes and 1/4 sac of goon. I swear every house I walked past had an elderly couple watering their garden just to watch me
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
how much do I hate his dog? was just googling to see if you can rent a hungry eagle for the weekend hate.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
she was sitting with her tits completely out.. on the kitchen floor..eating pickles by the handful... rapping mac dre... and then lit up a cig and continued...that drunk
Randomize
