My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
He just texted me a video of him jerking off. He must really be looking forward to the Super Bowl.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
It's a family event: you have to drink. No way around it. Its the law.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
Randomize
