dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
so this guy comes in from the patio covered in puke and says "we gotta go"...Yup u need to go is an understatement
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
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