I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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