we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I thought I needed to get laid. Turns out I just needed pasta.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
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