Tell him ill love him long time
I'll assure him of it
The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
the level of his annoyance + every insult he makes = the closer I am to telling him im fucking his ex
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
As soon as you told us you were an ostrich with a big penis, we began to wonder what you were on and if you wanted to share.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
