I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
i mean i should have known that when i started taking shots with my zumba instructor i was in for a rough night...
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
