woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
I'm currently trying to figure out how I woke up naked and handcuffed to my bed. Not real worried about class right now.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
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New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
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After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
Here you are just trying to masturbate and I'm talking to you like your an initiate for some secret society.
what the hell is that chicken wire thing she's holding?
An artistic expression of her stupidity.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
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