sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Yeah. My legs are trembling...hard to walk. Feels like a neon arrow is pointing at me saying "just had sex (with not his wife)"
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
It’s 830 am and the amount of Valentine’s Day snaps I’ve already seen makes me either want to vom, drink a bottle of wine, or buy chocolate
1000% No lie I was just looking on insta and was thinking about taking a bottle of wine to the face..
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
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