I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
Don't put random dicks in your mouth or any other crevice for that matter... and i'm home in 30 seconds
Wish I got that text last night instead of this morning.
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Randomize
