I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
her boyfriend dumped her for my exgirlfriend. so filming our hookup is pretty much a definite.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick
I am very proud of your internet skills
The trainer from the tech college told me that I would pass the first aid course so long as I turned up sober. Challenge accepted
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
Randomize
