She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
Oh please not the Easy Cheese again. That was weird.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
i believe in u and ur pee
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
So if you wanna come get your pants you can. But you have to come in your boxers. Rules are rules!
Randomize
