I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
you said "it's karaoke night" and tried to use my dick as a microphone
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
