I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
I hope the kids appreciate the fact that I jizzed on her instead of on their slide.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.
So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
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