but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
in hindsight, $10 Malibu buckets were a terrible idea...
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.
Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I was out of breath when we were getting started and he offered me his inhaler so he's a keeper
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
