omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
