Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
We fucked on shrooms. It's like his dick was a beam of light and when I came I turned into a prism and my orgasms were made of rainbows.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
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