Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
They should make a traveling bouncer service to remove unwanted people from your house without getting the cops involved. That sums up my Friday.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
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