I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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