She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
You don't know true terror until you get stuck in a porta potty while frying your face off.
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
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