I showed him my bush... on skype.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Randomize
