And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.
just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
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