well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
Randomize
