every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
He fingered me to the beat of the Fresh Prince theme song... it was pretty fantastic.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Really this has to stop, if they get any younger we will be breaking the law
Pillow talk?
can't do it. no eye contact either.
Where have you been all my life
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
