y did u give ur computer a hand job?
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
I was loaded. my pee still has a hint of lime
Well, my family didn't see me in my drunken super slut state at Summerfest, so there must be a God.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize
