i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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