Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
She's never allowed to turn 21 again
He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
Randomize
