even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Exactly, there's no such thing as commitment at foam n' glow
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
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