just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Also, I would just like to reiterate my apologies for tearing up in the grocery store.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
I was not drunk. There was Star Wars, sex, and baby oil.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
Randomize
