sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
He knows as soon as he hits chameleon eye status drunk, he is guaranteed to piss the bed we NEED to push him there
She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
Randomize
