there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I was just at Kroger and saw some guy with a steelers balloon... ran up to him and popped it. NO RAGRETS.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
Randomize
