I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
I've decided I'm peeing in a solo cup then throwing it on his windshield. It's official. He called the cops 4 times in our first week at the house. He deserves it, right?
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
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