there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
He was going down on me and raised up for a minute, slipped and punched me in the face. My lady boner left immediately.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
