i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
there was a trapeze. enough said
It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
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