she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
He called me khaleesi while I rode his dick. He wins
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
