I feel bad for the person that has to clean the dishes that I peed on last night.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
you're the third guy in less than 24 hours she fucked. I'm glad you lost your virginity just don't act like you climbed Mt. Everest.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
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