You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
Sex has been so nonexistent lately that when I was masturbating the other day, I actually paused to yawn.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Randomize
