tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
Yeah, all the sudden I heard a loud "ding" and realized I had been passed out on the dorm elevator for about an hour....
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
