I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Randomize
