Hey when you come over to pick me up in the mornin bring a camera. This is going to be legendary. Don't knock.... They might cover up
drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
There's a potato with a bite taken out of it in the kitchen
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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