You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
Don't be a dummy cum on the tummy. Make her a slut, and cum in her butt. Have no fear, jizz in her ear. Don't be a noob, cum on her boob. Forget her rack, blow on her back. Just take off your coat and jizz in her throat. And if she seals off her holes, cum in her rolls
is that a poem?!
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
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Do you think anyone has ever tried to have sex with a cows udder before?
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?
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The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
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