defrosting a beer in the microwave. no sparks so far.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
That is an awkward looking cockshot, not gonna lie
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
Ah, drunk me ordered sushi at 3 a.m. for sober me's lunch the next day. EXCELLENT
I offered him midol and told him "it always helps my period so maybe it'll help yours"
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
You planned on giving him head in the shower?
More like I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
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