If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
I promise you I could read that dogs mind, he was arguing with the other dog saying he knows how fucked up I am
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
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