you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
