Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
He was very impressed that you could put your hair in a ponytail by yourself while throwing up.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Look. All I'm saying is that if the USWNT can win a shit ton of medals and have two gay love stories with happy endings, there's still hope in this world
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