i think i have two assholes
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
Makes hanging out interesting when she lights you on fire just to roll ontop of you to 'put you out'.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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