i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
I need you to come over. Im crying, day drinking and working out simultaneously.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Ive only just recently decided that NOT fucking you would be best for both of us.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
I'm torn between regretting everything and regretting nothing.
Randomize
