while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
